So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
