stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
