Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
