Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
