I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
