dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
