Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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