also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
