Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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