We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
