shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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