we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
