I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
