I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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