I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
