It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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