So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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