Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
