Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
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