I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
