I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
