My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
