You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
