I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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