I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize