If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
