"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
