i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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