guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
