The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
