Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
