Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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