ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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