is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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