i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
