My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
