I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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