She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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