Joe is yelling at the trees again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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