Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
