WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
