I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
