Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
