i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
