When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
