I wish I could punch you in the face.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize