Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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