so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
