I can text with my tongue
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
