you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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