Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
