Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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