Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
