Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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