last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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