You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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