all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
