You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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