Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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