Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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