I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
