my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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