Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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