It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I want a musical about memes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
