My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
